I just finished watching my various mindlessly entertaining shows, walked back to my room, realized I still have to make the bed, thought about your putting my sheets into the dryer and smiled. Then I walked over to my desk intending to email you a dentist appointment reminder and discovered your checkbook and this lovely post. This is all very hard for me. I've never been faced with seemingly huge decisions coupled with this overwhelming sense of awareness yet still peppered with confusion. I'm scared. I'm scared of fully letting you in. I'm scared of becoming physically intimate with you. I'm scared of really truly allowing myself to be loved further than I've ever been before. I'm scared that if I give myself in the ways that I have in the past, I will get hurt like I did in that past. I'm trying to protect myself from the pain I chose to endure for almost four years. I'm terrified. And it wasn't until I walked into my room and discovered my unmade bed that I realized that. You're amazing. I love you. I'm in love with you. I just need us both to approach a bit more slowly than we have been. I'm coming from a very very tender place. And I need patience. As much as I said that I'm open with everyone, I don't know if I truly believe that anymore. I talk to people about whatever I want, personal things, sex, whatever, without fear of their judgment, but I still keep people at bay. I allow people to love me, really love me, only so far. There is something in me that you've tapped into that I'm scared of - success. I see such immense potential and I'm scared shitless of being a success in my own life. I've never followed through with anything: high school, guitar, piano, exercising regularly, relationships, etcetera etcetera. It's finally starting to make sense, and I think I finally have a inkling of understanding why I've been so cripplingly confused lately.
(that and the medicine...what a huge lightbulb that was!)
don't forget the dentist appointment!
xoxoxoxox - her
