On a bus..

Thank you. For your compassion, understanding, patience, effort, love. Words don't convey how grateful I am for you and everything you do for me. Everything you do for my process and growth as a human. You are a true partner. I love you more than I've ever known I could love someone.


Hope your day isn't too tired. :)

Moments Apart

Taking nights off to do other things is one of the greatest things I can do for myself and for you right now. Every time I do that, I further solidify my choice in you on an even deeper level. For more reasons. Different reasons. Each day I find a new reason to love you more.

I love it. I love you. I love Us.

there is no greater

pleasure in this life
than giving pleasure
to you

I think Moby has your cat.

Hello Friend of Us,


Any sentence fragment + Moby = funny.


I appreciate your concern today.


I don't how much of what I've said and wrote to Her that she's shared with you, but one of my favorite themes is choice.

I want to be chosen, every day.

I want the constant evaluation, where she's always answering: "Is this the best man I know?"

And I want the answer to be yes, without compromise.


Sooooooo..... I have to live up to that. Live up to what I've written and said.

Because that's what I want: to be the best man she knows, the best man she will ever know.


If she were to choose me, I would pleased.

But if she doesn't, I'm not going to act like an asshole.

That doesn't make me a better man, you see?

Every choice I make these days is based on "does this make me a better man?"

It's quite useful. Keeps me from eating candy and getting fat.



One big reason this thinking works is that my love for Her is already very actualized.

Our creative collaboration provides an uncompromised relationship that is mutually beneficial, progressive, and actual.



Things like this may ripple across my heart, but it's only in passing. Fucking Moby!

Actually, the thing with Moby is only tough because now I have to make five hundred fucking million dollars.

-Him

Darn it!

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

-When Harry Met Sally

You're Supposed to Sing, or Dance, While the Music is Being Played

Moments

There are moments of clarity when the love just permeates through to me. Those are the moments that keep me holding on, determined to work through this push/pull in my head. Last night, one moment. Then into the car, this song begins...

Allow Me This

The darkness with us? Sure.

But so is the light, the grinning, swelling, exploding beauty of love love love love LOVE.

I heard this on the way home from you tonight.

Daily Download #00011: The Darkness Is Always With Us

"Ordinary cycles of opening and closing are necessary medicine for our heart's integration. In some cases, though, there are not just cycles, there is a crash.

As far as we ascend, so far can we fall. This too needs to be included in our maps of spiritual life, honored as one more part of the great cycle.

A Zen koan, asked of students who have experienced a first awakening: "A clearly enlightened person falls in the well. How is this so?"

One Zen master reminds his students, "After any powerful spiritual experience, there is an inevitable descent, a struggle to embody what we have seen."

The well we fall into can be created by clinging to our experience and spiritual ideals or by holding inflated ideas about our teachers, our path, or our self.

The well can be the unfinished business of our psychological and emotional life--an unwillingness to acknowledge our own shadow, to include the human needs, the pain, and the darkness that we carry, to see that we always have one foot in the dark. As bright as it is, the universe also needs us to open to its other side."

-Jack K.

Either Way...

Good and Bad, At Once

Re: Duma Key

I just finished watching my various mindlessly entertaining shows, walked back to my room, realized I still have to make the bed, thought about your putting my sheets into the dryer and smiled. Then I walked over to my desk intending to email you a dentist appointment reminder and discovered your checkbook and this lovely post. This is all very hard for me. I've never been faced with seemingly huge decisions coupled with this overwhelming sense of awareness yet still peppered with confusion. I'm scared. I'm scared of fully letting you in. I'm scared of becoming physically intimate with you. I'm scared of really truly allowing myself to be loved further than I've ever been before. I'm scared that if I give myself in the ways that I have in the past, I will get hurt like I did in that past. I'm trying to protect myself from the pain I chose to endure for almost four years. I'm terrified. And it wasn't until I walked into my room and discovered my unmade bed that I realized that. You're amazing. I love you. I'm in love with you. I just need us both to approach a bit more slowly than we have been. I'm coming from a very very tender place. And I need patience. As much as I said that I'm open with everyone, I don't know if I truly believe that anymore. I talk to people about whatever I want, personal things, sex, whatever, without fear of their judgment, but I still keep people at bay. I allow people to love me, really love me, only so far. There is something in me that you've tapped into that I'm scared of - success. I see such immense potential and I'm scared shitless of being a success in my own life. I've never followed through with anything: high school, guitar, piano, exercising regularly, relationships, etcetera etcetera. It's finally starting to make sense, and I think I finally have a inkling of understanding why I've been so cripplingly confused lately.

(that and the medicine...what a huge lightbulb that was!)


don't forget the dentist appointment!

xoxoxoxox - her

Duma Key

Just finished my Stephen King book, Duma Key. Scary! And good.

I've been reading since I got home, making it hard to think about today.

But in those moments where I paused, your scent was there.

Is here now.


We meet.

You give me tea, the fog pulls away.

I give you a camera, because I want to see what you see.

We ride, at last!

Zebras, lemurs, mouth-farting apes, babies, children, aviary, meerkat manor.

Your tears; my hurt; our confusion.

Then: laughter.

And something growing cold, melts a little.

You give me gloves, and a ride.

We drink coffee, eat cheese, but no animals.

We talk.

We share, we learn, and find a way.



I hope you are at peace with us tonight.

And tomorrow, and tomorrow.



Just remember that one moment, where it was simple, made sense, felt good.

That's where we make our place.

That's where we meet.

I think it was when we were ordering cheese?



With love,
Him

Daily Download #00010

My head is on fire with confusion. I feel like I'm crazy. How could it take this turn. Why now? What of it? I don't have answers and feel horrible for that. I just wish I knew...

20 Rupees

A glass jar, filled with red.
I hold it, slosh it around, smell and hear it.

The lid won't come off,
I strain against it, eyes wild.

There's love in there,
I'm sure.

Bottled somehow, sealed away.
I can see it, but I can't feel it.

You find me, you watch me.
I don't notice, I strain.

Your hands on mine,
I jump, spell broken.

Let me have it,
you say.

I look up at you,
memories flashing.

And my hands are empty,
except for the buzz of your touch.

It was a 20 Rupee potion.
A red jar on a shelf.

Your hair is on my pillow.

Re: Daily Download #00009

The Shakespeare quote sums up the rumbling thoughts I've had on your DD.

We were not seeking this love, but here it is, fully formed, given freely.

Time, energy, resources... how best to build, grow, and sustain our willingness to give?

It's this will to give that continues to surprise me the most.

If the challenge of relationships is doing the work, making the effort to push through resistance, what if there is no resistance?


Now admittedly, we're but one month on this journey. But we've both been on similar roads before, and we both are reporting back that there is something different.

Something very different.

Love given freely, without fear, or doubt, is incredibly potent.

Time

"Love sought is good, but given unsought is better"
Twelfth Night, Act iii, Sc.1

Nothin's New Forever...

One Month :)

Daily Download #00009

I love you more every day. I don't know how this happened. I've been struck with wonder surrounding how excited I was to see you last night. How I truly feel that no matter where we are geographically, I can be happy with you. We play off of each other in a way that makes me giddy and exited and hopeful for the future. However, when I think about the future with you, I don't see it as an end goal. I see it as little moments all tied together to form this path together. Side-by-side. There's no sense of urgency to arrive at any certain place. I can simply enjoy sitting in a diner eating, talking, listening, absorbing the energy you give. I am at ease to just be in the moment with you. Calm. Content.

Whatever, Together.